Filthy Casual for Life

This is going to be a not-so-fun post, so feel free to skip.

Ten days ago, after a battle with cancer, one of my bosses passed away. He was a good man and a good boss. Words can’t really describe how much I enjoyed working for him and I hope I did my best to make it known how much I appreciated his generosity and hard work.

He passed shortly after my grandmother-in-law passed away. It’s been a weird week for me. My mother-in-law came into town and I felt like I never had a chance to grieve with her. The week was spent working and wishing that I could have spent more time with her. Thankfully, my husband’s job gives him generous bereavement leave, so he was able to comfort his mother and help her out. There is a lot of guilt there. Even her birthday was overshadowed by death. My husband and I attended my boss’ funeral before we took her out for her birthday. It couldn’t be helped, but I felt torn. I feel like I didn’t get to properly grieve the wonderful man that I worked 15 years for or properly celebrate the life of a wonderful woman who just lost her mother.

And, of course, death invokes all kinds of profound thinking. For me, it was about change.

My boss’ death made me think about work. A lot. What is it going to look like without his presence? He was a calming presence for me in an otherwise chaotic environment. It had me thinking about my place there. Do I even still belong? Is it time to move on? Is there a place for me there? They recently hired a new paralegal right in the middle of all this change. Obviously, I don’t think the bad timing was planned. No one could have predicted my boss would take such a drastic turn so soon. It happened so quickly. I can’t help but feel like my time there is limited. Maybe I am feeling a bit replaced, inadequate, and lacking. I’m making a lot of mistakes, and I don’t know what that means. Am I still suited for this type of job? Maybe a lot is being asked of me and I can’t keep up. As my work place grows, the more I feel like a worn out puzzle piece. Edges that were once sharp are now dull and the piece just doesn’t fit snugly anymore.

Maybe this old gal is worn out. My boss worked so hard. He was the first one in, last one to leave. Worked many Saturdays. He never made it to retirement. That makes me sad and makes me reflect on where I am at now.

Change is a bitch. I try to remind myself that change is inevitable. Good and bad. I’m not looking for a new job. Just expressing the emotions and thoughts crossing my mind in a stressful situation that I wasn’t able to process fully yet.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Knowing someone out there in the void knows how I feel makes me feel better.