Random Thoughts: Today’s Soundtrack

October 20, 2025

2–3 minutes

If I were to pick a song that reflected my mental health right now, it would be “Numb” by Linkin Park. I’m having this pretty huge internal battle between who I’m expected to be and just being me. If that makes any sense whatsoever.

I’m feeling very trapped. By my health, by my weight, by my choices. It’s not a great feeling. It has been weighing heavily on me lately. So much so, it has me wanting to just quit everything and start over. You know what I mean?

What would I do?

That’s the million dollar question. I don’t know what I would do. Ideally, I would like to work somewhere where I could be myself. Maybe a game store, comic book shop, something along those lines. Where I can be with my fellow nerds where there is no judgment. I need my people, you know? But being with my people doesn’t pay the bills.

I guess I need to make peace with my demons and accept that this is where I am at in life. It’s just hard. Meanwhile, I can listen to Linkin Park and know that they get me.

Numb by Linkin Park

I’m tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don’t know what you’re expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)

I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I’m becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can’t you see that you’re smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
‘Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you

Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I’m becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me, with someone disappointed in you

I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I’m becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
I’m tired of being what you want me to be
I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
I’m tired of being what you want me to be

5 responses to “Random Thoughts: Today’s Soundtrack”

dandanyokunaru

October 20, 2025 at 9:07 pm

That sucks. Maybe you can join an irl meetup with other anime fans and gamers. That way you can keep your job and enjoy the things you like with other like minded people.

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1. ChibiChonk
  
  October 20, 2025 at 9:19 pm
  
  That’s a good suggestion. I’m wondering if I can find a group of older people. I’m in my mid-40s. Don’t want to be the grandma of the group 😂
  
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  1. dandanyokunaru
    
    October 20, 2025 at 9:40 pm
    
    I imagine there are, but I don’t know for certain. If you can’t find a group, maybe you could start one. Give it a cool name though if you go that route.
    
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terranceacrow

October 24, 2025 at 4:37 pm

“If that makes any sense whatsoever.” Yeah. It does. I think more people than you’d think live with that tension every day.

Please file this under FWIW: I think the idea that our job should somehow be what we love or be our calling (our vocation) is dangerous, primarily because it’s false. I would say, with the full realization that this might not be true for someone else, that a job is to pay the bills. Yeah, it shouldn’t degrade your humanity; yeah, it should give you opportunities to grow. But it’s first and most important goal is to pay the bills.

Unless you’re a novelist selling millions of books a year. In that case, be a novelist.

What some folks call hobbies are what I think of as callings. My callings give my life enhanced meaning; they make me more helpful (I hope!) to other folks. I’ve been an application programmer, and now I work in cyber security. The data suggests I was quite good at both, but would you like to know a secret?

Like, a secret that fewer than 10 people know?

I approached application development, and now cyber security, as if they were plots for a novel. I was never a programmer; I was never a cyber security practitioner. I was always a writer masquerading as those other things.

I have to say in retrospect, the characters I created weren’t too bad!

Writing is my calling. I can’t not write. Unfortunately, back in the day when I started my family (late 1980s), I could not in conscience try to be a writer. My family came first. So I did what I needed to excel at application development.

I did my job, and I worked hard. But I didn’t kill myself. I needed to be there for my family, and if you’ve raised miniature humans, you know they take time and energy. So, job + supporting family = all my time (plus sleep). Now, my kids are grown, and I have time to write. It took 30+ years to finally get back into writing (I wrote books in high school — why, yes, they were dreadful!), but I never doubted I would. It wasn’t hope, and it wasn’t optimism. I couldn’t not write. So I knew I would write.

Do what you need to survive with the full knowledge that’s what you’re doing. Use what energy remains to explore who you are and what mark you want to leave on the world. Those are your callings. Those are what you choose to give your life meaning.

There’s no rush. If the universe wants your contribution, the universe can damned well give you the chance. Take the time you need. Understand that’s your real job. You’re the boss, and you set the timeframes and key performance indicators.

As an aside, I think the fact you’re thinking about this shows you’re on the right track.

On the other hand, this approach might be useless or even harmful to you. So, YMMV. But sometimes, I find it useful to at least hear another approach. In that spirit, I hope this helps.

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1. ChibiChonk
  
  October 24, 2025 at 7:46 pm
  
  Thanks for the comment, TCrow. I definitely needed that perspective.
  
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