Filthy Casual for Life

I was laying on the couch staring at the multi-colored lights on my Christmas tree. I didn’t have my glasses on, so the twinkling lights took on a blurry hue. I tried to rest my eyes, but the urge to sit down and type my thoughts overcame me. So, now I sit in front of my brightly-lit computer screen. In my peripheral vision, the Christmas tree does its best to invoke happiness. In the background, the sounds of the movie Volcano plays.

I am exhausted. Mentally. Physically. Every day, I feel like my kidneys are going to rip from my body and leave my bloody carcass in its wake. The pain is so severe that I have to fight the urge to puke. But, put a smile on your face. No one really cares. People ask how you’re doing, but they don’t really want to know how you’re doing.

I am unhappy in all things.

I feel inadequate in all things. My marriage. My job. As a mother. As I struggle, I don’t feel seen. There’s just judgment. It’s like I can never have an off-day. I’m always expected to perform at 100% when I am over my capacity.

I am actually miserable. Is there a stronger word than miserable?

It’s the negativity. It’s snacking on my soul. People that I love, I like less and less with every passing moment.

Thanksgiving is around the corner. It’s my favorite holiday. We set out yesterday evening and procured this year’s turkey. My husband tried to cheer me up by talking about the menu and the grocery list for the feast. My happiness lasted about 10 minutes, and then I was seeped in whatever this emotion is overtaking me

I think I need a huge change. I’m not sure what that means yet. But, I find myself praying for it. Almost every day. Hoping for something to save me from this abyss that is claiming me. I keep saying hope, but I don’t really have much of that.

Keeping me tethered is my bright Christmas tree. I come home every day, and there it stands. Greeting me with its shining lights because Casey knows how much it calms me. I guess I should try to get some sleep. If you made it through this, thanks for “listening.”