Filthy Casual for Life

Music is a special thing. If I am being honest, I don’t know where my life would have ended without the help of music. We all have songs that speak to us. Some for the moment, others for a lifetime. Black Swan by BTS is a special song that rings in my heart. The following lyrics are translated from Korean, so they might not be 100% accurate, but the message is still prominent.

BLACK SWAN by BTS

The heart no longer races
When hearing the music play
Tryna pull up
Seems like time has stopped
Oh that would be my first death
I been always afraid of

Black Swan revolves around the famous quote by Martha Graham, “a dancer dies twice — once when they stop dancing, and this first death is the more painful.” The quote can apply to any artist whether painter, sculptor, musician, or dancer. Losing the ability to create is painful. It’s scary for an artist to lose passion, and I can wholly relate. I was a flute player. A pretty decent flute player. I’d like to think I had promise. When that passion was taken from me, I felt like I died.

If this can no longer resonate
No longer make my heart vibrate
Then like this may be how I die my first death
But what if that moment’s right now
Right now

Fear. I had always feared my life without the ability to create music. As that creativity and passion begins to wane, the realization is scary. I physically felt the ache in my heart when practicing no longer brought joy. I remember asking myself, “Is this where it ends?”

Heartbeat pulsing slow in my ears bump bump bump
Try to flee but back into the maw jump jump jump
No song affects me anymore
Crying out a silent cry

I hit a long period of depression when my ability to play my flute became harder to accomplish. I would try to practice, but it didn’t fill the void that it once did.

Ocean with all light silenced shut yeah yeah yeah
My wandering feet held in a rut yeah yeah yeah
Every noise and sound’s been cut yeah yeah yeah
Killin’ me now
Killin’ me now
Do you hear me yeah

There were days that seemed dark and pointless. I felt stuck and I felt like I was dying inside.

Sinking slowly like in a trance nah nah nah
Struggle but it’s all ocean floor nah nah
Every moment becomes eternity yeah yeah yeah
Film it now
Film it now
Do you hear me yeah

It was like quicksand. The more I struggled, the more I sank. The days without practicing became long and depressing.

Deeper
Yeah I think I’m goin’ deeper
I keep losing focus
No, just let go of me
Let my own feet carry me
I’ll go in myself
In the deepest depths
I saw myself

Slowly, I open my eyes
I’m in my workroom, it’s my studio
Wild waves
Even if you pass me by
I’ll never get dragged away again
Inside
I saw myself, myself

Heartbeat racing in my ears bump bump bump
Eyes wide open into my forest jump jump jump
Nothing can devour me
I shout out with ferocity

Unfortunately, I drowned. I was never able to recover. Still to this day, I look at my flute and regret that I let depression and anxiety take that away from me. This song is a reminder of that gaping hole in my heart that was once performing. I wish I had this song 25 years ago to remind me to look inside myself and keep going. You should watch the music video. It’s art.

What song resonates in your heart?