I’ve mentioned before that I have bipolar II. I also have obsessive-compulsive disorder, general anxiety disorder, and PTSD. Unfortunately, this means I am on a lot of medication and attend therapy every other week. Because of my multiple diagnosis, the medication I take, and a history of suicide attempts, I am considered a suicide risk. I was told I would probably have to go to therapy for the rest of my life to keep stress and mood in check.
I had a relapse a few weeks ago. It was a moment of weakness. A friend was hurting and he said a few things that overwhelmed me. I empathized with him and it felt so real to me.
Anyhow, in a conversation a few days ago with said friend, I mentioned I narrowly avoided in-patient care. He bluntly told me to stop being a suicide risk. I knew what he meant. I know he is smart enough to know that is a tall order. To be honest, I’ve stopped actively trying to fight it. Somewhere along the line, it became too exhausting. I stopped caring.
So, the fact that he cared enough to say those words to me made me want to try to be better. He made a joke about me not being able to game in in-patient care. It made me laugh and I simply told him, “I’ll try harder.”
He asked, “To be better?”
I replied, “Yes.”
And I mean it. I’ll try harder because he cared enough to mention it instead of walking on broken glass and avoiding it.
So, there you have it. The one thing I am trying to improve about myself. My suicidal tendencies. Because one person cared enough about me.
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