Ran across this prompt and it made me stop in my tracks. What am I avoiding? What am I REALLY avoiding?
Honesty.
I avoid honesty in therapy. Specifically, I avoid telling my therapist specific horrific details of my past. I think she would understand, though.
I avoid honesty. Specifically, honesty when it comes to how okay I am. I am not okay. I am almost always not okay.
I avoid honesty. Specifically, honesty when it comes to Aleksei. I tell myself that I am okay when it comes to his death. But the truth is, it has been almost 30 years and I am no better than I was the day it happened.
Why? I don’t have an answer to that. I would have to say cowardice? Pain? Fear? All of the above?
The daily suffering. The nightmares. The panic attacks. The depression. The hallucinations. They bombard me. There is only so much one person can take. So, to be honest with myself and a select few on top of just trying to survive is a lot to ask.
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