If you’ve followed this website for any length of time, you might be aware that I had a relationship in my youth that ended tragically. My soulmate, boyfriend, fiancé, every term of endearment was hit by a drunk driver and was taken off life support on my 17th birthday. Part of me, a very large part of me, died on that day.
How do you rebuild yourself after something so devastating? The answer is sometimes you don’t. I never did. Some people have the strength of Hercules and have the positive I-built-a-bridge-story to go with it. I don’t. I never recovered. I stand…no. I crawl before you. Broken. Just as broken as I was that day almost 30 years ago.
You’re suppose to focus on building someone “new.” Focus less on who you used to be before the trauma. For me, the PTSD makes that impossible. It just does. There is not a “new” me. Just an old me struggling day to day.
Time doesn’t always heal. I know everyone tells you that, but it doesn’t always. It hasn’t for me. The nightmares stay fresh. The beeping of the monitors as I lay in that bed with him. The smell of blood and rubbing alcohol and sterile plastic. The stillness as he took his last breath when they turned the machines off. The literal sound of my heart breaking. Yes, there was a sound. My sobs. The memories stay fresh as I dream about them every night. I wake up clutching my chest expecting my heart to explode out of it. Then the realization hits. I’m here and he isn’t. Life’s cruel joke.
You learn to cope. Therapy. Medication. Parts of you heal. You can smile. Laugh. Love. But it’s broken. It’s incomplete. It’s not whole. You hate yourself because you feel you’re cheating the ones that love you. It’s a never-ending cycle of self loathing and hate. You’re supposed to find joy without guilt. I haven’t reconciled that one. I don’t think I ever will.
For me, all hope isn’t lost. I am working on rebuilding trust. It’s a move in the right direction, but hardly a monumental move. I shared my life story with him as well as the story of Aleksei and that was intense for me.
So — simply put. Not everyone’s journey is a positive, Herculean feat of overcoming all odds. Some of are truly unable to rebuild ourselves despite the tools out there that make it possible.
Leave a Reply