Fake Love by BTS sums up my feelings about my first marriage.
I got married young. I was barely out of high school. I THOUGHT I was in love, but looking back, it was desperation. Desperation to feel anything other than the emptiness I had inside from past trauma. It’s taken me a lot of therapy to understand why I chose such a poor life for myself back then.
We were both musicians in the US Army. It was my dream to be a professional musician. I worked so hard at it. But, then, I met my now ex-husband and a spark of that “love” I once felt ignited. My heart had died before I met him and I never thought I would ever feel love ever again. I clung to that small spark hoping it would grow into the love I had before. It changed me into a person I didn’t recognize.
I got pregnant before we got married and everything changed. I gave up my music career to become a mom. Something I never wanted for myself. Slowly, I lost myself. I spent almost a decade of my life changing myself to please him. Chasing that spark made me jealous, bitter, sad, depressed, irrational, insecure. I gave him so much of myself. Despite hating myself. Hating my life with him. I smiled. I laughed. I pretended to be okay. I twisted myself into knots only for him to cheat on me.
It wasn’t until I heard this song and found the translated lyrics that my feelings were finally defined. FAKE LOVE. That’s what I had with my ex-husband. Fake love.
His infidelity was a blessing and probably the single-most selfless act he ever did for me. He released me from that fake love.
I slowly put my life back together. I went back to school. Started a new career. And, then. I married Casey.
We don’t argue. We don’t bicker. We don’t go to bed angry. He treats me like a princess. He does the laundry every Sunday. He always cleans the kitchen. He always runs the dishwasher. He takes care of the pets. He knows I have OCD and takes me to do our same Saturday routine no matter how mundane it gets. He even opens up the chick-n-mini container and flies it toward me like a plane making a landing to make me giggle. It never gets old. He sets up my table trays. Cuts my food in half. Makes sure it doesn’t touch. He takes me to KBBQ and sways in happiness with me. Something I learned we do from our last waitress LOL. He does so many acts of service, I am so grateful for the infidelity that allowed me to escape fake love to find the real thing.
I love my life with Casey. I finally found that missing part of my heart that I thought died. Sometimes, you have to experience the low to appreciate the high.
I hope you take the time to read the lyrics and watch the video. BTS is so talented and their live performances are FIRE.
THE LYRICS
For you, I could pretend like I was happy when I was sad
For you, I could pretend like I was strong when I was hurt
I wish love was perfect as love itself
I wish all my weaknesses could be hidden
I grew a flower that can’t be bloomed in a dream
That can’t come true
I’m so sick of this fake love, fake love, fake love
I’m so sorry but it’s fake love, fake love, fake love
I wanna be a good man, just for you
I gave the world, just for you
I changed everything, just for you
But I don’t know me, Who are you?
The forest just for us, you weren’t there
The route I took, I forgot
I even became quite unsure of who I was
Try babbling into the mirror, who the hell are you?
For you, I could pretend like I was happy when I was sad
For you, I could pretend like I was strong when I was hurt
I wish love was perfect as love itself
I wish all my weaknesses could be hidden
I grew a flower that can’t be bloomed in a dream
That can’t come trueLove you so bad, love you so bad
Mold a pretty lie for you
Love it’s so mad, love it’s so mad
Trying to erase myself and make me your doll
Love you so bad, love you so bad
Mold a pretty lie for you
Love it’s so mad, love it’s so mad
Trying to erase myself and make me your doll
I’m so sick of this fake love, fake love, fake love
I’m so sorry but it’s fake love, fake love, fake love
Why you sad? I don’t know. I don’t know
Smile, say “I love you”
Look at me, even I gave up on myself
Even you can’t understand me
You say I’m unfamiliar, changed into the one you used to like
You say I’m not myself which you knew well
No? What do you mean no? I’m blind
Love? What the heck is love? It’s all fake love
Woo, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know why
Woo, even I, even I don’t know myself
Woo, I just know, I just know, I just know why
‘Cause it’s all fake love, fake love, fake love
Love you so bad, love you so bad
Mold a pretty lie for you
Love it’s so mad, love it’s so mad
Trying to erase myself and make me your
Love you so bad, love you so bad
Mold a pretty lie for you
Love it’s so mad, love it’s so mad
Trying to erase myself and make me your doll
I’m so sick of this fake love, fake love, fake love
I’m so sorry but it’s fake love, fake love, fake love
For you, I could pretend like I was happy when I was sad
For you, I could pretend like I was strong when I was hurt
I wish love was perfect as love itself
I wish all my weaknesses could be hidden
I grew a flower that can’t be bloomed in a dream
That can’t come true
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