Before beginning, let us define what forgiveness is and what it isn’t.
forgive (verb). to cease to feel resentment against (an offender)
What forgiveness isn’t:
- Forgetting;
- Condoning;
- Obligation to reconcile; or
- Release the other from accountability.
My first marriage ended because my first husband had an affair.
He was in the military in the Army Band and was tagged for a special temporary Army recruiter duty one state away. We were stationed in Washington State at Fort Lewis and he had to go recruit in Oregon. Not terribly far away. He suddenly stopped coming home on the weekends and started missing our son’s weekend soccer games. I didn’t think anything of it because it was recruiter duty. He had already been a recruiter for two years before we were stationed at Fort Lewis and I knew how hectic and demanding it was. Having to mandatorily work weekends was expected. I didn’t suspect anything. But then I noticed the increased phone usage and other red flags. When he returned home from this temporary duty, I checked his phone and there were the text messages. Before even confronting him, I took my half of our joint account, looked for a divorce attorney, canceled our whole life insurance plan and took my half, and prepped everything for a divorce attorney. And, that was it. I did try to save the marriage. I asked him to go to counseling, but he refused.
We have a child together. Forgiveness did not come early. My child was in elementary school when we divorced. True forgiveness probably did not truly come until after my child graduated from high school. There were times my child was in school that I THOUGHT I had forgiven my ex-husband, but I was wrong. There was still resentment there. Every time he would tell me that he couldn’t make a performance, the resentment would creep in and I would know that I had not forgiven him.
I can now report that I have fully forgiven my ex-husband. It has taken decades, but I am there. I feel no resentment whatsoever.
It has also taken decades for me to forgive myself. That’s right. I had to forgive myself, too. I had to take responsibility for my part in that failed marriage. It takes two for a failed marriage. I married that man for all the wrong reasons. Looking back, I wasn’t in love with him. He was an emotional escape. I didn’t treat him right. I wasn’t abusive or anything like that. I wasn’t nurturing. I didn’t give him what he needed to thrive. I would have stayed in the marriage forever. He did us both a favor.
Still. I had to forgive myself, too. I had to let go of that resentment toward myself.
What about you? Do you have something in your past that deserves forgiveness?
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